bollywood classroom

[guestofroom2002]

If you are aspiring to strike a career in the Bollywood, be it a director, script writer or even penning dialogues, this section will be very helpful to you for it contains the scenes and dialogues which every film has and you cannot afford to miss it !!

Some of the here may be rather sexist, chauvinistic, supercilious, vapid, racist, tasteless, offensive and emotionally backward, but we have to be slightly sober for censorship reasons and cannot show Hindi films in their full crowning glory


MUST SCENES FOR EVERY FILM

Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain , and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine)
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes / heroines will die or take off to foreign country at the end of the movie.
If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes
Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.
The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never miss run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die)
Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of pots, barrels, glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by the brothers their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.
There will always be one song in which heroine is scantily dressed and singing in rain.
There will always be one rape scene



HERO

The Hero is the person who gets the woman in the end and kills everyone with moles on their faces. The hero shaves, drinks, drives, gesticulates and picks several fights. He normally has a mother who seldom has a lover. He may have a moustache, but never has a beard, unless he is in disguise or utter poverty. He delivers his lines with minimum style, and except for those lines in which he grimaces, he is totally stone-faced. If the hero has a comic side to him, he says very little of consequence in the entire film and does not die in the end.

Tere saamne teri maut khadi hai
Kuttay !!
Tumhare liye meri jaan bhi haazir hai
Mere paas meri mari maa ka ashirwad hai.
Apne Aaadmiyon se kaho ki bandookein phhek de
Dunyaki koi takat hame juda nahi kar sakti
Mere hotey huay tumhara koi baal bhi baaka nahin kar sakta
Yeh meri maa keh Kangan hai
Maa, mujhe Ashirwad de
Khabardaar joe Usse haat bhee lagaya
Tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...
Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu....
Arre, tum to mere bicchade huay bhai ho




HEROINE

The heroine is the stupidest of all Hindi film characters. She normally settles for a man with no class, and even lesser money. She is usually a lot younger and seriously better looking than the hero, even when the hero is the kind whose insipid persona leaves nothing but the looks to matter. Her father is either ridiculously rich or pathetically poor. Any heroine who starts the film in short skirts ends it in sarees. One who doesn't is the vamp.


Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chhod do
Hato. Tum bade woh ho
Naheen!
Mein tumhare bagair nahin reh sakti
Maa ne tumhe ghar bulaya hai
Main usse pyar karti hoon
Humne pyar kiya hai koi gunah nahin
Kuchh goonde mere pichhe pade hai
Baar baar mera pichha kyon karte ho
Koi Dekh Lega
Maine tumhe kya samjha, aur tum kya nikley!




HERO'S SISTER

The hero's sister invariably has her modesty outraged. She seldom lasts beyond a few scenes and in rarest cases lives to see the end of the film. If there is ever a poignant scene highlighting the brother-sister relationship, it is a clear indicator of the sister's soon to follow death.

Mein tumhare bachhe ki maa ban ne wali hoon
Mere bhaiya ko lambi umar dena, bhagwan
Mere bhai pe koi aanch na aye
Khabardar jo mujhe chhua bhi, main apni jaan dey doongi
Bhaiyya, tum mere liye ek pyaari si bhabhi kab laaonge
Main kissi ko muh dikhane layak nahi rahi
Bhagwaan ke liye, meri suhaag mat ujaado
Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do




VILLAIN

Undoubtedly, the villain has the most fun. He nearly gets close to rape the heroine & beats the hero, & kidnap his family in the climax. Sometimes he gets the chance to kill them too !!!

Tum sign karte ho ke nahi ?
Itni achi cheez bhagwaan ke liye chod doon. Kabhi nahin
Ab Saare Hindustan par hamara raaz hoga
Batao faarmoola kahan hay?
Tumhari maa hamare kabze main hai
Kahan jaa rahi ho chhamak chhalon
In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai
Yahan teri izzat bachane koi nahi ayega
Yahan teri cheekh sunne walah koi nahin
Bula tere bhagwan ko-- dekhta hoon kaun ata hai?
Kis maai ke laal mein itni himmat hai jo mujhse takrayega ?
Gaddari ki ek hi sazaa hoti hai, maut
Uski koi kamzori hogi, koi maa ya behan?




VILLAINS SIDEKICK's

The villain's cronies normally have quite a raw deal. They seldom get the better women to molest, and even when they do, they have to make do with sharing one among at least ten. They are always hammered by the hero and his sidekick, and return to further hammering from their 'boss' the villain. They are normally dark skinned (!) have moles, beards and wear handkerchiefs around their necks.

Boss, Maine tumhara namak khaya hain
Boss! Maal pakda gaya.
Tumhe Boss ne bulaya hain
Ok Boss




DOCTORS

Doctors in Hindi films are of two kinds, the first is the family/ neighbourhood/ fairy-tale doctor who arrives in slums on rainy midnights to announce high fever and death, and the second is the 'expensive-beyond-lawful-means' doctor who delivers babies, cures near-death cases and drives all his billpayers to crime.

Mujh par bharosa rakhiye
I am sorry
Iska to bahot khoon bahey chooka hai. Phoren operation karna padega.
Bhagwan ne chaha to sab thik hoga.
Badhai ho, tum baap bannay waalay ho
Iski haalat bahot najook hai
Tumhe sakt aaram ki jaroorat hai
Jaldi se woh dawayee lao.
Ab sabh kuch oopar waley ke haath mein hain
Ab main kuch bhi nahin kar sakta.
Bacche ko to hum ney bacha liya par maa...




THE LAW

Contrary to popular belief, there is in fact a concept of law and order in Hindi films. Upholders of the law in Hindi films are of two kinds, the police and the judiciary, quite as it is in real life. The police pick up thugs and the judges let them off

Order..Order..
Kanoon Ko apney haath mein mat lo
Kanoon jazbaat nahi, saboot dekhti hai
Kanoon ko saboot chahiye
Tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat, mulzim ko maut ki saza sunai jaati hai
Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai
Milord..




HERO / HEROINE's FATHER

The father is normally a symbol of outright pathos, either cringing to the worldly demands of having unmarried daughters or the burden of having a violent son with little ambition beyond rotating around trees. If the father is an honest, upright citizen - he is shot in the first few frames by the villain who has little use for his moralities

Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain
Agar toonay aisa kiya toh - mujhse burra koi nahin hogaaa
Ek baar iske haath pile kar doon, phir mein chain se mar sakta hoon
Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein
Beti to paraya dhan hai.
Mere jeeteji yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti.
Main jald hi dahez ki sari rakam chuka doonga
Yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib
Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe
Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha ?
Main kahta hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey




MOTHER

Any widow in a Hindi film is a mother. Anyone marrying a character actor in the beginning of the film and bearing two children is sure to be widowed. The sons thereafter are likely to grow up to be the main protagonists. Sewing machine is her favourite timepass tool and she will always make halwa for her son.

Mera Raja beta
Mera ashirwad sada tere saath hai.
Tujhe ek maa ki aah lagegi
Mera beta aisa kabhi nahin kar sakta.
Mera beta teri maut bankar aayega, thakur!
Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta...
Mere bete ki raksha karna prabhu
Kya apni maa ki baat nahi maanega?
Mera achha beta, jaldi se dudh peekar bada ho jaa.
Is budhi maa ka tumhare siwa aur kaun hai?
Mere Raja bete ko aaj mein apne haaton se khilaaongi
Hey bhagwan, mere suhaag ki raksha karna
Maine tere liye gajar ka halwa banaya hai
Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..
Mar, Mar isse betay, isse ne tere Devata jaise pita ka khoon kiya




MOTHER-IN-LAW

The most nasal voice in the cast belongs to the mother-in-law. She has usually got a dead husband, or one who gives 'henpecked' new dimensions. She specialises in kicking the heroine / hero's sister / bhabhi while she is sweeping the floor. She seldom dies, but always gets her come-uppance in the end when her husband, after years of ayurveda and yoga regains his lost vitality, insults her in public and forces her into submission.

Chudeil! Kide pade tere .....
Tere baap ke bheje huey iss sari ka too kya karegi. Chal, mujhe dey
Ey Chudail, ab kaha se mooh kala karke aayee hain?
Aah Haa Haa, Maharani, waha baithey baithey kya kar rahi hain
Arri Kalmoohi, Kaha mar gayi
Eh Kulta, tere baap ne ab tak dahej ki rakam nahin chukayi

 

[Six Six Six]

:rofl: how true are these................. : :hilarious:

 

[John Hendrix]

Its too lengthy.

 

[bescottowlz]

Yeah, i think i'll fail in this class :lmao: